The Difference a Year Makes

- May 31, 2011

Last year Memorial Day was much different than it was this year. Last year Nathan was just over a month old. He was constantly eating, we had no routine, and I was getting very little sleep. Ray had just gone back to work from his paternity leave and I was not adjusting very well. Memorial Day was particularly hard for me. I didn't get much sleep the night before and was very tired. When I thought Nathan was going to take a nap I decided to make myself a nice breakfast. In the middle of cooking Nathan started crying letting me know he was not about to fall asleep. I went upstairs to try to get him to sleep and ended up spending so much time with him I burnt my breakfast. I came down to turn off the stove and in an attempt to grab my cup of orange juice I spilt the cup sending juice all over the dining room carpet. I didn't get any of the laundry or cleaning done that day that I had hoped to and by the time Ray joined us I was pretty upset. As the afternoon turned to evening a large amount of anxiety started to set in. I wasn't prepared for another sleepless night and I had been in the house so long I felt the walls closing in on me. Ray decided I should get out for a while so we put Nathan in his car seat and drove to the bookstore. It felt nice to get out but I knew as soon as I got home the anxiety would be back. Ray decided to take me on a long drive that night. I was able to tell him that I was having a hard time adjusting to motherhood and that it was much harder than I thought. I wasn't sure if I was doing things right or if I was being a good mom to Nathan. Ray talked me through it and reassured me I was doing a great job. He reminded me that this was new and would take some getting used to. He also reminded me that I didn't need to stop doing things that I used to love because we now had a baby. His words were very helpful and put my mind at ease. Obviously things didn't become perfect after that but they got much better.

A year later I am still consumed by Nathan. The love that I have for him consumes me beyond words. I have more love for him than I could have ever imagined existing in the entire world. There are times I watch him sleeping or playing and feel absolutely consumed with the love and pride I have for him. I cannot imagine my life without him. He makes my good days great and my bad days better. I still struggle with keeping things clean and getting the laundry done but I no longer let it get to me the way I did before. I think that I have mastered walking Atari and pushing the jogger at the same time and going to a store with Nathan is no longer impossible, its fun.

I often wish I would have come into motherhood with no anxiety or struggle but I know that if that happened I would not appreciate it the way I do now.

This Memorial Day was VERY different. Nathan and I had a great day and a lot of fun!