Oceans

On Friday night Nathan started talking about my dad.  He told me that he was sad that Papa wasn't here anymore and how he loved when "Papa would come over and chase me and growl at me and I would have to run to Grammy to save me."  I remember these moments so well.  The minute my dad walked in the door Nathan would run as my dad growled, through a huge smile on his face, and told Nathan, as he was chuckling, that he was going to get him.  Nathan, and later Casey, would run screaming in excitement.  This is Nathan's fondest memory of my dad and he talks about it often.  I love remembering my dad with the kids and I am happy that his memory is still alive with them.  The hard part comes when after the fun memory, Nathan asks me if Papa can come back from heaven to be with him.  Nathan asked this on Friday night and it broke my heart, because not only was I broken for Nathan I was reminded how deeply I wanted my dad to come back also.

My darkest moments came in the days following my dad's funeral.  When there was nothing left to plan and nothing left to do, all I could do was miss my dad.  I remember that time very well and I still remember the weight that the grief brought with it.  One particularly hard day at work I turned to an archived church service I had missed to get me through the day.  My home church, Harvest, includes worship in their archieved services and this day I decided to listen to it instead of skipping ahead to the service.  That was the first time I heard the song "Oceans."  I was captivated by it and honestly don't know if I got to the service that day.  I fell in love with the entire song but lyrics like "In oceans deep my faith with stand" and "my soul will rest in your embrace" and "you've never failed and you won't start now" stood out to me as if they were being sung directly to me.

I went out to lunch that day and listed to that song in my car by myself, without distraction, to get the full effect.  These were the lyrics I heard:

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, you're my God!

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

I felt absolutely spoken to.  I felt like God was acknowledging that I was in a storm but was telling me that all I needed to do was call to Him and stay above the pain and He would get me through.  I have been a Christian for years, and made a public declaration to follow Jesus years ago at church, but hearing this song, on this day, God was more real to me than He had ever been.  I saw paths that he had laid out for me that I hadn't seen before and most importantly I knew, without a doubt, that I had a faith that had been tested but that stood strong.

Having a strong faith doesn't take away the hurt of missing my dad any but it gives me a drive to live for God while on this earth.  I want to run this race for God so that when I am finished I will get to stand before Him, then see my dad again.  I am beyond thankful for this opportunity and I know that it is my job to lead my children to Jesus so that they can have this same hope.

When Nathan tells me that he wants Papa to come back it is hard not to break down but I know that God has called me to speak to my children.  Through my dad's passing I have been able to teach Nathan and Casey about Heaven in a way that I don't think I could have before.  It has opened conversations about Jesus, Heaven and God that, aside from the hurt, are very beautiful.  Nathan now asks me to read the Bible every night and when him and Casey see imagery of Heaven they both are able to tell me that that is where Papa is and that is where they want to go when they die too.

I miss my dad, so much.  And like Nathan, I want him to come back.  But until I can see him again I am going to keep my eyes above the waves and rest in God's embrace when the hurt gets too much.  

I think the most important lyric of this song is the last, "I am Yours and You are mine."  Not only am I God's but He is mine.  When I really think of this it blows me away.  God is mine.  What could I possibly not get through if God is mine?  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.